not your style

I like eating here. It's my perch. I can sit at the front here by the wall of glass separating me from the locals presumably making their way to work and school. I'm doing neither. I'll work later but I'm not here as part of my path to work.

The sun's out for a change. It's peeking at people over the buildings, touching their shoulders as they cross the street. The city's already put some flowers into the concrete containers. A skateboarder jumps a tree stump, another child lights a cigarette.

They're all so prepared, so prepped. The start of another day, a chance to not fuck this one up. I order a grill cheese and tomato with homefries. I've had too many eggs this week and it's too early to eat an entire clubhouse.

I try guessing where people are headed, what jobs or lives they think they're heading to, who they're trying to be. A young dishevelled girl walks by with tears clinging to her cheeks. She walked by heading the other direction only two minutes ago. Her day's not what she'd hoped and it's only just begun. She expected something different, something better or worse depending who you ask but certainly something different. She expected to catch that bus, to make it to her new job on time, to not give up, to not let her parent's down once again, to make the people in her life smile.

It's all simple once you have a routine, once you find a pattern to your life that leaves you alone. A pattern that mostly keeps the people around you from getting too upset with you. The problems start when you find yourself sitting in front of another tv show, alone, wondering how you got there. You think about the job you can barely think about without gurgling with anger. You think of the friends you put in time with. The problem isn't your life, it's you. This life was perfect for you when you settled into it. Now it's that ten year old black suit you drag out for a family wedding. You look in the mirror and can't stand the site of yourself in it, it doesn't fit you right and you're not convinced it was ever your style.