Panhandling

"Great News From Your Alma Mater"

Those were the words on the envelope, italized to incite me to action. Once I figured out who this Alma Mater chick was my excitement dropped to it's knees and moped around with the brown lettuce. I had an idea what this great news was all about.

Can anyone explain to me how it is that an institution of 'higher learning' can be so intellectually dull?

"Hi, I'm calling from the University of Guelph how are you doing today?"

"I'm okay?"

"Great, we have some exciting projects going on here, can you give us your money?"

"What money? Do you have my record open in front of you?"

"Yes."

"And what does it say there in reference to the remaining balance on my student loans?"

"We don't have that information."

"Well I'd be quite happy to share that with you, I still owe a bank $7,000 for the last time I got all shit-faced and woke up in university. Would you mind adding a note to my record clearly stating that I won't be able to donate any money to you until I'm debt free, which by my calculations should nicely coincide with my hundred and eighty fifth birthday."

"Thanks for your time."

"Not a problem."